you're like a bully in the Christmas story
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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