How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
