Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
