Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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