I need to stop coming to work sober
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
