My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
