I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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