I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
