I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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