I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
