Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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