The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Randomize
