the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
