I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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