Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
