Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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