So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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