Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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