I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
