So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
