You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
