He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's rum buckets o'clock
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
