Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
