Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
