we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You ruined the universe
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