Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Randomize
