Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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