I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
