u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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