Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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