I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
