lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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