dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
