Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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