You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
