3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize