is your mom at the bar?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
