Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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