I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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