i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
