I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
