Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
