I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
