Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
