I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
