I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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