there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
