we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize