She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
