Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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