i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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