My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
