I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
