in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
are you so shy because you have an std?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
