Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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