You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
