i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
and she was petting her beer can
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
