You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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