Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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