Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
