Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My vagina is very pro this idea
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
