So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
